Since I wrote last I have received great news about my diagnosis–it was wrong! No spinal cord problems. No brain surgery. No activity restrictions. Praise God!
Instead, I have some type of neuromuscular problem that causes my nerves to send incorrect signals. The doctor thinks that this is usually triggered by stress and overdoing it. Me? Try to do too much? Never. *note my sarcastic tone*
It has been an incredible blessing to have no activity restrictions. Our days have been much more normal without helpers coming and going. Our friends, who have been so sacrificially helping us, are finally able to get back to their busy lives.
BUT (you saw that coming, didn’t you!?) we are facing a whole new set of challenges. My numbness and tingling is still here. And the more I do, the worse it is. I am forced to pick and choose my activities. I can no longer decide to tackle all the chaos in one day…unless I don’t mind being unable to walk the next day!
I am freshly aware of how dearly I cling to my performance instead of the cross. I feel like a miserable wretch because I can’t catch up on dishes and laundry in the same day. And you know what? Apart from Christ I am a miserable wretch.
If I woke cheerfully, made the beds, dressed my children, cooked a healthy breakfast, washed laundry, did crafts with my toddlers, scrubbed the kitchen floor, made 11 meals for my freezer, read 7 chapters of the Bible, greeted my husband with a kiss and a hot meal, and went to bed with the house spotless–I would still be a miserable wretch apart from Christ.
If I woke to children screaming and decided to join in, left my kids in their PJs and the rooms a mess, served Captain Crunch for breakfast, played Toy Story three times through, unloaded only half the dishwasher, passed out while the kids napped, greeted my husband with peanut butter in my hair and fish sticks for dinner, and moved piles of junk to get in bed–I am a miserable wretch apart from Christ.
And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience–among whom we all once live in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved–and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:1-10, emphasis mine
The Lord is teaching me how deep the root of self-justification runs in me. I am physically unable to do some of the things that I think can help me earn grace, so I despair. But He is teaching me that I can’t earn grace. I need to depend on Him no matter how much or how little I am able to do. Through the cross I am His beloved child who has the righteousness of Christ–even though I am today washing laundry that has been dirty for three weeks.